How honest are you about the stuff that turns you on? Have you admitted to anyone what goes on in the dark, quiet corners of your mind? Have you ever woken up from a strange and sexy dream completely dazed by the series of strange occurrences?
I’ll admit, there is stuff in my fantasy life I’ve never told anyone. For a very long time I felt…unsettled about my fantasies. They didn’t really make sense in terms of the things I felt like I actually enjoyed in real life. They weren’t necessarily things I wanted to do or try, but they did turn me on.
For the longest time I felt like something was wrong with me. Until I did some research.
Our fantasies are a part of ourselves we rarely disclose. Sex is already such a taboo subject in our society that to reveal the things that turn you on, especially if they aren’t “normal,” is terrifying. But what I’ve found out through doing some digging on this is that honestly, most of us are freaky as fuck.
Since literally the dawn of time people have been entering into some fantasy world and getting off (see exhibit A…that is a medieval stone carving of a woman masturbating. It’s from 305 BCE! Masturbating is like, literally a part of our species). There are countless artistic works that depict this very thing. So we know our fantasies are something that have not only existed with us through time, but something that we’ve sought to understand by way of artistic expression as well.
I’ll start by saying that no matter what your fantasies consist of there is nothing wrong with you. It was such a relief to learn what I learned through this process. Excited to share with you!
Paraphilic Fantasies
Paraphilic fantasies are basically fantasies that are not vanilla, stuff like masochism, voyeurism, fetishism, incest, pedophelia, frotteurism and rape.
Dear Sugars had a great episode on the topic called “Dark Fantasies.” One of their listeners wrote in:
“Ever since I started being a sexual being I’ve had terrible fantasies. Incest of every kind. Teachers having sex with their underage students. Gangbangs in public bathrooms. I cannot get turned on without thinking of these storylines. Did something bad happen to me that I have repressed so much I don’t even have a hint of it?” she asks. “And how do I make it stop?”
To respond to the caller they hosted Dr. Ian Kerner, a nationally renowned sex specialist and author of New York Times bestseller She Comes First (um, yes we’re obsessed with this man).
His main takeaways:
- She is not alone. These types of fantasies are incredibly common. In fact, in a recent study of paraphilic fantasies nearly half of the participants reported having them. The study concluded, “These results call into question the current definition of normal (normophilic) versus anomalous (paraphilic) sexual behaviors.” Essentially saying there is no standardized normal or non-normal when it comes to sexual fantasies.
- Studies have also shown that as women get increasingly aroused or close to orgasm, parts of their brain that relate to stress and anxiety start to shut off. Basically, you can’t cum if you’re stressing. The caller’s fantasies are performing a vital function by helping her to create a level of psycho arousal and stimulation that distract from her anxieties.
- In a different type of society we may very well have a much more rich, diverse sexual life. But we live in a society that deems certain wants and desires repugnant. This doesn’t mean that we don’t still feel an interest in different sexual scenarios. Our fantasies allow us that mode of exploration.
- Survivors of sexual trauma can be known to use their fantasies as a way of gaining power over their sexual abuse. Don’t be alarmed if as a survivor you have sexual fantasies pertaining to a similar situation to that which harmed you.
- It can be terrifying to talk to our partners about our fantasies. One trick is to tell your partner you had a sexy dream about them and disclose some of the elements of your fantasy. Or do what Dr. Kerner calls “side-by-side” fantasizing, where you watch or read erotica together. It saves you from having to face your partner immediately and allows you to start things from a more passive position.
Our Erotic Minds
Take solace in your wild, erotic mind. Accept that some weird shit goes down in there but that it makes you all the more human.
Authors of the 1994 book Erotic Fantasies: A Study of the Sexual Imagination wrote, “It is in the nature of sex fantasies that they are, to a large extent, so unrealizable that they are seldom acted upon. And that is exactly their therapeutic function. They serve as mental aphrodisiacs and psychological stimulants, underlying ‘normal’ sexual behavior.” They go on to say,
It is precisely this factor of sexual fantasy that distinguishes human sexuality from that of the lower species…The more intelligent the individual, the greater the role of fantasy in his sex life.”
Boom. There you have it.
Last word goes to Queen of relationships Esther Perel. She says, “Our fantasies, and the taboos they contain, are symbolic maps of our deepest needs and wishes. Accessing that vulnerability can turn our sex lives from a ledger into something so much greater, but getting there is a taboo in and of itself. It means talking about it.”
So let’s talk about it. What are your fantasies?
I’m getting turned on just thinking about it.
Image Credits: Mother goddess. Ptolemaic Period, 305-51 BCE. Egypt; The Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus 1618 by Peter Paul Rubens and Jan Wildens; The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife by Hokusai; Erotic Fantasies: A Study of the Sexual Imagination Paperback, January 21, 1994
by Phyllis Kronhausen, Eberhard Kronhausen
P.S. There’s More