100 Easy Ways to Fail As a Mother
“Motherhood is the place in our culture where we lodge – or rather bury – the reality of our own conflicts, of psychic life, and what it means to be fully human. Mothers are the ultimate scapegoat for our personal and political failings, for everything that is wrong with the world, which becomes their task (unrealizable, of course) to repair. What are we doing to mothers when we expect them to carry the burden of everything that is hardest to contemplate about our society and ourselves?” – Jacqueline Rose, “Mothers: An Essay on Love and Cruelty”
1. The first way to fail as a mother is to become a mother
The choice itself is fraught. Don’t you care about the dwindling resources of this burning planet? Aren’t you terrified by the polarization of our politics? Don’t you realize how long that couple waited for a Resy alert to get a table at this coveted restaurant, into which you’ve brought your small, giggling offspring who keeps waving at them?
2. The second way to fail as a mother is to not become a mother
Oh yes, your identity will always be mapped across your proximity to motherhood. So by choosing not to have children, you are still within the overall umbrella identity of ‘mother’ – you are just now not a mother, with the term ‘mother’ still inherent in the composition of your identity. Therefore, you’ve failed by self-omission.
3. The third way to fail: care too much
(They’ll become narcissistic; you’ll lose yourself)
4. The fourth: care too little
(They’ll become sociopathic, and you’re just cold and selfish)
5. The fifth: to hold them tightly when they cry
(Neediness)
6. The sixth: to ignore
(Rigidity)
7. – 15. Seven through fifteen relate to feeding
Bottle, breast, formula types and brands, etc., (your choices don’t matter much here, as they’ll all be wrong), timing and spacing between feeds, chosen locations for said activity, and total duration (Three months of breastfeeding? Fail, that’s nothing. Six months? Fail. Nine months? Fail, you’re a quitter. A year? Well done! A year and one day? FAIL! Repulsive. Your child is now practically an adult, and this behavior is immoral and somehow now sexual).
Once the child matures past infancy, further failures await i.e. home cooked meals vs. takeout vs. organic vs. store bought (there is a delicate and precise balance you can achieve here if you dedicate nearly all of your energy to this, whereby you shop organic, but not in an obnoxious way, cook most of your meals at home with the endless time you have – but definitely don’t let this become a cornerstone of your identity – and remain relatable by ordering, say, pizza delivery once a month. But only from a semi-cool local spot, and absolutely not a national chain).
16. The sixteenth way to fail is to ‘let yourself go’
So, despite having spun from the microscopic raw materials of DNA 270 bones, a brain, heart, pair of lungs, liver, kidney, stomach, intestines, pancreas, gallbladder, windpipe, nervous system, skeletal system, muscular system, digestive system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, endocrine system, lymphatic system, urinary system, integumentary system, reproductive systems, and little fingers that will themselves leave their finger prints across the trajectory of life on this planet in whatever small or profound way that may be…it is now most important that you get ‘back’ to your ‘physique’ as quickly as ‘possible’.
17. The seventeenth way to fail is to worry needlessly
‘Needlessly’ will be defined by the person using the term and will relate mostly to their own proximation of anxiety, personal childhood experiences, and what they had for breakfast. It will also likely be coming from a man.
18. The eighteenth way to fail is (you guessed it!) to worry too little
Absolutely anything your child does, says, spills, thinks, touches, wants, fears, and contracts is a reflection of you. It will be a moral failing on your part, punishable by total social ostracism, should your child veer from the approved path for personal conduct…I suppose I should note that the ‘approved path for personal conduct’ will also be defined by the person using the term, relate mostly to their own proximation of social legitimacy, personal childhood experiences, and what they had for breakfast. And will also likely be coming from a man.
19. – 32. Nineteen to thirty-two relate to the choice to work or not, with the type of work, amount of money made, social media following, child care type secured, and degree of the embodiment of the ‘boss bitch’ archetype weighing most heavily. Here, too, your choices are nearly irrelevant as any potential path leads directly into the jaws of public persecution.
32. – 50. Sleep!
I’m so tired I almost forgot about sleep! If your child doesn’t sleep through the night, you’ve likely done something wrong. Go back through 1-32. Just know, if they sleep in your bed, you’ll never fuck your spouse again and you will likely smother them in the night anyway.
50. – 100. Ways 50 to 100 will be told to you by your adult children, who will locate within their childhood your personal failings that have led to them being moderately dissatisfied with themselves on some level and unable to score a girlfriend and/or a book deal.
But above all else, remember: These are the best days of your life.
*P.S. We are in a time of bizarre, backwards-leaning politics in which a small but loud minority has gained significant cultural and political influence. This group wants to see us return to a time of nostalgic patriarchy, when women were confined to the role of wife and mother, had little to no rights, including the right to vote, and (white) men had nearly unchecked control of government, policy, and domestic life. Becoming a mother is one of the most consequential decisions anyone could ever make, and it should always be exactly that: a decision. Support your local abortion fund, Planned Parenthood, or help advocate for Paid Leave for All. Check your voter registration status and make sure you are aware of state and local elections in your area. Don’t give up the ship.