It’s so hard to see everyone else love you.
I flew out to LA Monday in an attempt to surprise my recently dissatisfied and lonely boyfriend. That and Tuesday was the long awaited release of his first official album. Blue Slide Park is now sitting comfortably in the number one album spot on the iTunes chart.
The music really is amazing. I’ve been listening to it as my soundtrack to my journey back to the East Coast and get lost in it. But I know him. I can’t imagine what its like for someone who knows him simply as Mac Miller to listen to the music. That’s whats truly incredible about music if you think about it. It sounds different to everyone who hears it. Whatever walk of life brought you to any particular song will change the sound, the meaning.
For me, there’s a lot of meaning in his music. There’s cravings for something bigger and complete honesty of character. Even when he raps about things that aren’t “true” or haven’t happened like ummmm FUCKING RANDOM GIRLS…it’s still him, ya know? It sounds like appreciation of music and addiction to sound. Love of effect and aesthetic. Pleading for understanding. Basic instinct and deep vision. And understanding of the part of ourselves we don’t like to look at.
He’s pure emotion. And everyone loves him. But he’s mine…and I don’t like to share. My love was coveted and rare and cherished and fought for and craved and painful and intoxicating and confusing and exhausting and addicting. Now he could drown in all the love he gets. It makes me jealous. So much love from so many people. People who know him and people who wish they did. I just don’t want my love to get lost. I hate thinking about how other people look at him. With lust or admiration even. With jealousy or an assumption of understanding. Or with greed and money in mind. Or as a building block to their own agenda.
There’s so much space between us. We got to know each other nose to nose. Literally. Laying in his bed for a full summer nose to nose. Now he’s in California, I’m in Philadelphia. Soon he’ll be in Arizona, I’ll still be in Philadelphia. So much space. When we’re together you can feel it until we’ve fallen back into remembering who each other are. We got high last night and laughed a lot. That’s us. I remembered what it felt like to be best friends. I want things to be simple again.