My life is fascinating. And no, not just because I’m high. Because I have the most interesting and amazing people in my life. And how I am situated in the middle of all of them is so telling of who I am.
Two of my best friends from home came up to visit this weekend and the relationship I have with them and the one I have with my school friends is such a stark contrast. I used to mildly resent the fact that I couldn’t seem to achieve the depth of closeness with my school friends that I shared with my best friends from home until I realized it would be impossible. At first I assumed that length would be indicative of how and when my school friends and I got closer and closer. Coming to college I felt it would only be a matter of a few years until I had friends at school just like the ones back home. But that never happened because it never could. I met my one best friend in kindergarten and we more or less have been best friends since our first sleep over. Our relationship has fluctuated over the years as the other faces in our circle changed, but at no point in time have we ever not been friends. Its incredible. And the funny thing is we haven’t changed much since then. She is the same wild girl who ran the blacktop and I am the same weird curly haired girl who’s Barbie doll lives were so complex they could have been studied by Freud. The other girl who completes our trio I met in middle school, during a time of self discovery and creation. At the time I thought I had met the dark haired version of myself. Now we are almost stark opposites who still seem to share some invisible, uniting force. The three of us have made each other who we are.
The weekend was intense. Much more so than I had been expecting. The change of scenery mixed with all the alcohol intake made for a few nights of tearful friendship confessions. I wear my friends like skin, barely noticing but always encased by their presence.
My friends here are fascinating to me specifically because we don’t share the same bond. I love them like I love something foreign and beautiful. There’s a layer of misunderstanding between us all because we are just meeting, at a time when we are under the illusion that we have ourselves figured out. But I realize very clearly where I fit here. And why I am positioned between these two realities.
The same goes for my parents, siblings and relationship. Each element is so intricate and each gets a different part of me. Each part represents a different part of me. The people in my life are so dangerously important to me. Looking at all of my entities makes me understand exactly who the person sitting in front of the screen is. A sum of her parts.
My boyfriend told me I would really regret not publishing anything. I think he’s right, mildly. I don’t think I’m the best writer but I definitely have ideas that need to get out there. I feel like I could be a very influential voice for my generation, but how to get there? What to do with it if I achieved it? What would my product be? Books..? I want to help and change people while we’re still logical teen and 20-somethings. Yes, logical teens and 20-somethings, I said it. Adulthood is like adding pounds and pounds of makeup to an already beautiful face. Somewhere under all the “life lessons” we are a real person. A genuine person. There was a tweet that I actually really agreed with. We never mature we just learn how to act in public. Growing up is a process of learning how to navigate a world that has set its standards for you. These years are the last ones we have to feel only ourselves. To belong to only ourselves.
I think about my childhood a lot. I like to get inside my 5, 12, 16 year-old mind and relive moments and thoughts. Its as if I have a bank of memories to step into whenever I want. I remember specific feelings and trains of thought from some very early years. I love to think that she is me. That little girl and everything she meant to herself is the very same person as right now. They don’t feel like the same. She feels like a mix of a sister, a daughter and myself. I hope I never, ever lose the feeling of feeling myself.
I’m running on reserve battery power.