That is the question.
“He” was here on an impromptu trip to Pittsburgh, the goal of which was to sweep me off my feet and back into the oblivion of being in love. I was resistant at first, holding tight to my bound pages of journal entries inked with lessons learned. It’s not that it’s “hard to let someone back in who has hurt you.” At this point there’s no “in” and “out.” We’re woven. I am as much him as he me, if you look at it from a certain holistic and somewhat sappy perspective. We are the sum of our experiences. We are the hands who have touched us, the tears we have caused others to cry.
Anyway, we fought a lot. Or…struggled to reach common ground. Or…I was determined to get my way. My way is as follows: People do not belong to one another.
Loving someone is not a currency that gets you anything other than the satisfaction of loving someone. Or the release of love. We often feel we have achieved some great feat by the deep, romantic loving of another person. We feel that because we have put ourselves out on a such a feeble limb, we are deserving of something. We are owed reparations for all that we lose when in love, like our freedom and our minds.
I have been free here for so long that it’s hard to view relationships, love even, as anything other than a cage. Love is suffocating, it’s overwhelming, it’s ever present. When you love someone and the wind blows the wrong way, you stumble into madness. Love and Madness live next door to each other in an old, cramped, New York apartment building with paper thin walls. They get each other’s mail when they’re out of town.
The reasons on my “No, No Don’t Do It!” list are more about me than they are about Him. And maybe that says something. We both have a lot of growing up to do, but let’s just say me a lot less…
And it’s not like there wouldn’t be issues. There’s always issues. But I’m wrapped so tightly around this version of Nomi who only has place in her heart for her big dreams, not boys.
I just think I am bored with love. I’ve for so long lived in it’s cozy womb and have learned every fleshy inch. I know it’s feel, can smell it from a mile away all overly sweet and sensitive. Love is not what I want someone to feel for me. Love is not strong enough. It can’t bear weight, it can’t bend in the wind. Do not love me, surprise me. Enchant me. Delight me. Dazzle me. Indulge in me. Destroy me. Despise me. Crave me. Nourish me. Support me. Explore me. Enliven me. Inspire me. Chase me.
Bring me to flames.