PUBLISHED October 29, 2012

Undecided 2012: Who Would You Rather Bang?

And now for a totally un-feminist take on election 2012…It goes without saying that the next man elected President of the USA should be equally as competent in the bedroom. Don’t roll your eyes; you know you’ve been watching the news and playing, “Kill, F*ck or Marry” secretly in your head while everyone else gets in fervent debates about health care and property tax. As lovely as Jill Stein is, we’ll go ahead and off her at this point in the article. Sorry Jill, strap ons aren’t my style. If you’re still undecided about who to vote for a mere week from the election, just think, who would I rather bang?

The choice isn’t as clear as you might assume. Obama has the whole Alpha Male thing going for him because he already runs shit, shit as in the whole country, and there’s nothing hotter than total, unabated power.

Banging Obama would be a total bragging point also because you could say, “Yeah, I f*cked the President of the United States. Bow down less awesome betches.” Plus, you’d get to strut through the White House in a little nightie and have everyone be like, oh damn who’s that hottie?

Romney is like your High School civics teacher you always dreamt of sleeping with to get a better grade. He has that older-dude-that’s-totally-into-younger-girls aura about him.

Also, he seems super, ultra superficial and has little to no respect for women so if you’re into degradation and being dominated, Romney’s your man! He’d probably bark orders at you and make you crawl around the oval office with a ball gag in your mouth. On a kinkier note; his mormon wife may want to also join in. Here she is in a sort of black, leather, conservative dominatrix suit:

Obama would probably be more into making love, seeing as he’s all pro social programs and has a heart of gold. He’d whisper sweet nothings in your ear after while smoking cigarettes, something like, “If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.”

Also, he could serenade you with sexy, smooth renditions ofLets Stick Together and has a great stimulus package. Yeah, I went there with the pun.

The ultimate bonus for banging Obama? He would probably pay for your abortion if he knocked you up. Also, this is what Obama looks like with his shirt off:

Romney is the sort of Mad Men style sexy. If you squint your eyes his creepy, tight lipped smile could potentially be considered cute. Also, lets be real, this man is loaded. His old fashioned values probably mean he would always pay for dinner. He’s totally pro-NAFTA and most likely has houses all around the world that you could jet off to just to say you orgasmed in six different countries.

Also, he and running mate Paul Ryan have that sort of frat boy swag and would probably be into banging you at the same time while chugging down beer bongs.

The common undecided voter, they say, is a single woman, between the ages of 18 and 29, perhaps more towards middle age. Now, what do you think these late 20s, early 30 year-olds are thinking about after they shower from their group yoga class and before they explore energy therapy? Sex. Just look at this woman! She’s drinking home brewed tea, clearly saving the world by buying organic and doesn’t have a television. Also, she is apparently so in touch with the male world that she can advise her friends which men to trust before they even date them. And yet (curious) she is still single. That leads me to only one conclusion. Undecided voter X is watching this election thinking only one thing: which man would would I rather bang? In conclusion, when voting in election 2012: Trust your female instincts.

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