Credit: Francesca Zama

Why Can’t We Just Have Good Sex?

PUBLISHED October 11, 2015

I was listening to this not-so-new podcast “Guys We F*cked” episode “Do Poppers Make Your Butthole Loose?” The guest was risqué podcaster/storyteller Kevin Allison, most well known for his wide variety of gay kinks and sexual exploits. Over the course of nearly two hours the two female co-hosts and guest turned over several of Kevin’s out-of-this-world sexual exploits. He’s in his forties and has only had one serious relationship that consequently ended in divorce the very day same sex marriage was legalized in the United States.

Funny thing was…Kevin was ready to settle down again. After a lifetime of fucking in every imaginable way possible (and some very hard to imagine ways) he felt it was just…time. This wasn’t appearing to be much of an issue for Kevin, as much of the gay community functioned the same way: Sexual exploits in youth, serious relationships once you’ve tried literally everything and everyone under the sun.

One of the co-hosts remarked how this was nearly the opposite of what women do. We, she said, spend our youth trying for relationships. And then as middle aged women we finally start looking for just good sex. A single woman in her late thirties or forties is honestly most likely just looking for a nice, smart guy to, well, fuck. The incredible woman I worked for in New York echoed this sentiment. “Men are draining. I told him [current sort-of boyfriend] we can have open relationship. I don’t want more than that.”

After an entire lifetime of trying to find, keep, and please a man, at 35 or 40 it seems women finally start pleasing the person who really matters: Themselves.

“What if we had sex like gay men?” The co-host asked. “What if we spent our twenties just having good sex?”  

What if?! What if we didn’t try for relationships until we knew more about ourselves? Until we knew more about who we are? What if we just had good sex?

I honestly feel like most twenty-somethings don’t even have good sex when they have it. Guys are most often mimicking what they see in porn are girls are just trying to look sexy. Are we even enjoying this? Don’t get me wrong…I’ve had some amazing sex in my lifetime, trust me. And I have friends who most certainly will say the same thing… but you have to admit that for us girls it’s WORLDS different than it is for guys. I mean…a guy can get off just about every time he has sex with a girl. It’s not hard. His equipment is extremely simple to master. Women on the other hand, well we’re a bit more complicated. And so much of the sex we have is male centered. It’s about turning him on and getting him off. We just want to make it out of the whole situation without a queef and maybe, just maaaaybe with an orgasm.

For the record…I’ve never had an orgasm from sex. Not one single time. So, sorry to any ex-hook ups who may be reading this thinking they had done the trick. Not so much. In fact the only person who has ever gotten me off is my current boyfriend and that’s always from oral. Which I’ve just realized may be why he’s still my boyfriend…


Back to the subject at hand. Women do in the bed what we do in life because despite how hard we try getting that “please a man, impress a man” narrative out of our pretty little minds is hard! It’s strange because I don’t feel like people are going after it, sex I mean, with the same fervor as they once did. No one seems that desperate for it. We’re getting more choosey, naturally. Or maybe it’s because it’s just…not that good.

I mean when is the last time you’ve had really, really great sex? Please, tell me. I’m dying to know. Because I’m starting to lose faith in our generations mojo here.

If we as girls spent our twenties focusing on ourselves, putting ourselves first, belonging to no one but ourselves and just looking for good sex and not good relationships what would that do for our lives? For our entire gender? FOR THE WHOLE WORLD?! Imagine that. A world in which young women demand better sex from men. A more sexually pleased generation of young women.

I think I may have just found the solution for World Peace.

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